Passive Aggressive Wife

My Passive Aggressive Wife: Playing Me

Posted by: Neil on April 22nd, 2011


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I am leaving my wife for the second time, both times have been because of her passive aggression and the mind games she plays with me.

  • She is always the victim, and she will recreate past events to make herself the right one. I need a recording device just to come to a compromise!
  • She plays games with me so that I never have the upper hand: anything I like, she will block out of our home
  • If I say, “You look nice in that dress,” she will never wear that dress again
  • She buys lipstick that looks fantastic on her – but if I say so, she’ll say it chaps her lips and stop wearing it
  • It doesn’t matter what it is – sex, neck rubs, her best cooking. If I like it and show it, I’m punished for it!

I can’t stay in a relationship where expression of desire and love (whether of each other or objects) is not allowed.

– Erik

My Passive Aggressive Wife: Breaking Me

Posted by: Neil on April 22nd, 2011

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My wife and I had a wonderful life together when we first married, but things gradually became worse and worse.

  • Anything I did was wrong in her eyes
  • If I tried to confront her about a problem, tried to express what I thought or felt about an important conflict, she would use the “I’m going to divorce you” threat
  • She would badger me about my favorite hobbies and my goals until I dropped them to avoid trouble.
  • She did the same thing with my family and friends
  • At one point, she even told me, “I only need you to do what I say, when I say it. Stop doing things on your own”! I said enough was enough, and she turned on me, sobbing and threatening divorce
  • Like the other men on this blog, when I tried to propose counseling, she refused – saying she wasn’t going to change because there wasn’t about her that was causing a problem.

The information here is opening my eyes to how she really is, passive aggressive. Our relationship is still in limbo, but I felt I should point out that not all bad spouses are men.

– Karim

My Passive Aggressive Wife: Blaming Me

Posted by: Neil on April 22nd, 2011

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Although I am a physician myself, it took me 25 years to realize that my wife shows signs of passive aggressive behavior.

  • She never apologies, period. It is always someone else’s fault.
  • She is withdrawn and often silent, and rarely initiates affection or intimacy. I have to draw things out of her, and often get a stone wall.
  • She often changes plans or ways of doing things, without telling me or calling me to let me know.
  • Last year she was hospitalized for attempted suicide, for which she blamed me and my “abuse” – I was the one who didn’t appreciate her, who wasn’t involved enough in her life to know about her eating disorder.

We’ve been sending her to therapists and hospitals across the country now, and I’ve just recently found out that her family and therapists have been referring to her as “passive aggressive” for a while now. I still feel guilt and pain for my wife’s pain, because I love her very much, but we are realizing that this is more complex than me not knowing about her disorder.

– Paul

My Passive Aggressive Wife: Controlling Me

Posted by: Neil on April 22nd, 2011

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I’m realizing that my ex-wife’s passive aggressive traits are things she learned from her parents – her father was passive aggressive as well, and her mother was extremely controlling.

Realizing this has helped me clarify that her behavior has nothing to do with me personally.

The passive aggressive things she’s learned from her parents were things I still saw in her daily behavior:

  • She thought communication and showing affection need to be withheld or minimal in order to maintain control over me and our children
  • She viewed me as someone here to give her children and be useful as a father – someone to be controlled
  • Once my usefulness as a father was over (as our kids grew up), my role in the marriage was lost
  • Now, she exerts control over our children and I have to fight with her to see them
  • She obstructed my relationship with them as a way of controlling all of us, and also refused to admit that our relationship problems were caused by her
  • She even went so far as to prevent and block my goals for losing weight and changing my looks

I’ve since left my wife because she refused to try and make our relationship work and make some sort of compromise. My advice is not to be the victim in the relationship. Don’t let yourself get pulled down to her level, or you’ll make yourself miserable. Get her help if you can, or move beyond the relationship.

– Allan

My Passive Aggressive Wife: Ignoring Me

Posted by: Neil on April 22nd, 2011

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Reading this blog, a lightbulb is going off for me!

There are many signs of passive aggression in my wife, I’ve just never known what exactly it was:

  • She will leave the room if I come in
  • If I ask her to find some time to spend with me, she draws away even more
  • Nothing is ever her fault; she’ll ignore me if I try to confront her
  • She pretends there isn’t a problem with our 22-year marriage
  • She ignores my needs to be intimate like we were, and makes me feel weak and selfish for wanting that intimacy in the first place

Now what?

– Luis