A passive aggressive wife describes herself as cooperative and willing to accept her own share of responsibility with family tasks, while constantly “forgetting tasks,” delaying, transferring blame, and manipulating people by refusing to talk about their behaviors.
Here is an informal conversation with a man (Matthew) married to Alice, and his description of his marriage as passive aggressive:
Question:
Welcome, Matthew. Your wife Alice behaves in a passive aggressive way. How do you recognize this behavior everyday?
Matthew: If you met Alice for the first time and you are not counting on her to deliver some project, you’d find her enthusiastic, alert, charming, and eager to tackle new tasks. Many times she volunteers to do tasks, and then the problems begin. Day after day there are delays and she has a list of excuses at the ready…
Any task can be delayed or postponed in this way Getting weekly groceries can be a fuzzy busisness; we never know when she will have the time to do it. Medical appointments are rescheduled because she forgets that she is the one to take the child….When we needed to provide our accountant with taxes paperwork in time, she misplaced them and we filed out of schedule.
I remember when some papers to get my registration at the university got in her hands, (to be posted same day) and she lost them in a store. Luckily, someone called me and I could recover them! Now I recognize that this way of acting is part of her personality and I try to give her tasks that are not very important or that can have costly consequences if we don’t fulfill them in time.
Question:
You must have gotten some expertise in how to manage this. You don’t get surprised by her behavior.
Matthew: There’s a real problem there. If I don’t watch and be ready to intervene, jobs don’t get done at all and Alice will keep shifting blame away from herself. Over the years, it’s amazing the number of jobs I, or someone else, has volunteered to do for her.
Question:
how does she react when you confront her? Or when she knows that you are waiting for something to be delivered by her, and she is not coming through?
Matthew: It’s interesting, because as much as she knows that she needs to deliver (an action, an information, etc), and that I’m waiting for her to deliver, she retreats in a sea of silence. She goes about her life as if everything was normal, but silent. When I ask what happens, she gives me a dirty look and continues silent. She can be silent for weeks! The last time I counted, I began feeling that we were in a cloister…No voices, no chatter, no sex life, nothing. This marriage is a very lonely one!
Question: what else is a problem?
Matthew: lateness for appointments is a major feature of her behavior. It is one of the most infuriating aspects for me. In the beginning of our marriage she’d think nothing about arriving 30 minutes or an hour late for appointments with me.
It would drive me crazy. I’d be angry, waiting for an explanation or an apology and she’d calmly say, “I do my best to be on time but I can’t help it if there’s a crisis at work that needs to be solved”. There’s often a crisis that makes her late.
Question: How did you handle her lateness so that it stopped making you angry?
Matthew: I would assume she’d always be at least 20 minutes late for appointments, which lowered stress levels for me. I didn’t tell her this because she would have added the 20 minutes to her usual lateness.
Question: Have you ever confronted her about her behavior, told her she needs help or needs to change?
Matthew: I have often told her we need to talk about our marriage. I need to overcome several obstacles to have a talk with her: if using lateness, obstruction, forgetfulness, stonewalling and silence don’t work for her, she’ll escalate to emotional upset.
If I’ll tell her I can’t carry on, because I need to sort out our problems, she’ll say, very calmily: “It’s strange that you’re unhappy when you’re the one with the undemanding job that allows you to work from home. I should be the unhappy one. This marriage would fall apart if I allowed myself to be unhappy.” And if I press her with my feelings of unhappiness, she has a temper tamtrum, ends up crying, slams the door and the issue never gets discussed. I have learned that I can’t go beyond her emotional upsetness…
Question: In other words, she will not shoulder any of the blame for tension in your marriage; will not accept she is responsible for some of your marital issues, like the feeling of loneliness? She will not take responsibility and improve her responses so that would make you happier?
Matthew: The main theme of our marriage is shifting blame to me or others, or to circumstances. She will not shoulder any responsibility. She describes herself as the one making all the sacrifices, working the hardest, and enjoying herself the least. She says she has done more than anyone to make me happy and that I seem unconcerned about her happiness. I am ungrateful, she says. This will all be said very calmly. She doesn’t get angry, doesn’t raise her voice.
Question: What happens if you give her specific examples of her obstructive and destructive behavior?
Matthew: She’ll say, “It’s fascinating how you’ve got time on your hands to watch my every move, while I’m too busy getting on with my life and doing things for the family to have time to observe you. Stop harassing me, please”
Question: How do you explain to yourself what’s going on? Have you considered how you might have encouraged her obstructive behavior?
Matthew: I have the hard evidence of the behavior and I have to live with and cope with its consequences, finantial and emotional. I am not an expert, so I can only speculate about the deep-seated motives of her passive anger. Because she won’t seek help, I have to find ways to make the marriage more bearable.
I think she has a lot of anger, resentment and frustration. Her passive aggressive behavior might have started as self-protection but it has become self-destructive, and it is definitely destructive of relationships and opportunities. Early on, I encouraged her behavior by allowing myself to be manipulated by it, by feeling guilty and wanting to help her. I also believed many of her lies and excuses.
Question: Have you developed any strategies that improve the situation for you?
Matthew: I now treat her behavior as something programmed into her she can’t control. She won’t seek help, so she isn’t going to change. I have to be smart about finding ways to live with her condition if I want to stay happy.
I now refuse to participate in her behavior, refuse to take part in the game, the destructive patterns. I don’t rely on her and don’t trust her. If I want to do something or be somewhere, I do it. If she turns up, fine. If she doesn’t, fine.
Passive aggressive people get what they want by manipulating your feelings. I should have been stronger from the start, refusing to play the games, and calling her bluffs.
I enabled Alice’s obstructive behavior by allowing myself to feel guilty, and thus not confronting her in time. You need a lot of self-confidence and a thick skin if you’re going to handle living with a passive aggressive person.
Question: How does this help your marriage?
Matthew: It helps me; I don’t know how or if it helps my marriage. I am no longer walking on egg shells trying to make someone happy who cannot be made happy. I don’t enable Alice’s obstructiveness. I don’t allow her to set the agenda for our lives.
Question: Have you ever thought about separation and divorce?
Matthew: No! I love my wife, even with her problems. Divorce is not an option for me.
Question: Do you think she loves you?
Matthew: Sometimes she says she hates me — but I don’t know if she means that. I don’t think she likes me as in the beginning of our marriage, because I have fought her so much about her behavior.